We have all experienced "misfortune comes out of the mouth" and offended others because of improper expression. How do those people with high EQ talk? The following is a collection of reasons I collected for you. Let's have a look!
The so-called high EQ means that the inner drama is enough
Wen / Senior General
After studying psychology for so many years, there is a question often asked, "how do people with high EQ talk?", It seems that everyone has experienced "misfortune comes out of the mouth" and offended others because of improper expression.
This topic is actually difficult to generalize, but a recent incident that I encountered inspired me how to speak with high Eq.
Two days ago, I went to change my watch strap. As soon as I entered the door, I saw the clerk receiving me with color on his face, bruises, scabs and obvious scars.
This is the third time I have dealt with him. It is definitely not a stranger, but it is not a friend. It is more appropriate to define it as "acquaintance".
If you were me, how would you react to the injury on his face?
I listed the three most likely options:
A. don't ask or mention B. directly ask "what's the matter with your face?" Or "how did you get hurt?" C. Hypothetical question "did you fall / fight / hit your face?"
These three different reactions directly lead to different results.
Select a:
It is the safest, but also the least warm. After all, people have contacts with you. This way is not helpful to close the relationship or continue to contact in the future. It may also make this contact stylized;
Select b:
It shows concern, but it is also rash. Maybe he doesn't want to explain why he was injured. After all, the relationship is not very close, so it gives the other party a difficult problem. I don't know the scale of expression, and the degree of relationship may continue to be deadlocked here without change;
Select C:
It shows concern, but it may cause disgust. Asking questions with your own preset obviously has brought subjective evaluation and emotional color. If not, it will make the other party misunderstand that you look down on him and widen the distance between the two sides.
Shut up before you think about it.
Of course, at the first moment when I saw the color on his face, I couldn't quickly analyze the advantages and disadvantages of ABC, so I directly chose a at the beginning (later I made other reactions), didn't say anything or ask anything.
When I resumed the game afterwards, I thought it was the most correct to choose a at the beginning. I experienced the moment when misfortune comes out of my mouth. My mouth is faster than my brain. I walked out the inappropriate words without much thinking. This is what I often remind myself later. If I don't think about how to react, shut up first.
In fact, many expressions with low EQ may not be unable to speak, but talk too much. They are eager to speak without fully judging the situation, sorting and thinking.
If you have such a problem, my experience is to observe first and then decide what to say.
How did I react later?
The process of disassembling and assembling the watch strap takes some time. It will be more awkward for both of them to be silent. The other party is worthy of being a salesperson. He broke the ice first and asked me from a universal weather topic. The atmosphere is much easier.
It hurts to think of a way to communicate quickly. I don't know how it hurts to ask him if I have the courage to do so quickly
Touch the feeling level more and inquire less about the facts.
Why did I finally choose this sentence to ask?
It is concerned, and what it cares about is the feeling level. Without probing into the facts, it can make the other party have greater comfort. Questioning methods like B and C are inevitably suspected of "curiosity" and "prying into privacy", but asking "does it hurt" is very soft and can also let the other party take off the defense.
If he is willing to talk about the cause of the injury, he can choose to take the initiative to expose himself. If he wants to avoid it, he can continue with other topics as long as he simply replies "no pain, it's all right now". This question leaves room for the other party, but your concern can also be obtained.
The clerk is a very cheerful person. He told me the reason for the injury. He fell down on the way to catch the car in a hurry, not only his face, but also his body was scratched.
Consider each other's feelings and the degree of relationship.
Speaking of this, the story is not over yet. You may think I have many plays. I was originally an ordinary fall. As for repeatedly thinking, did I ask a sentence? Can't it be simpler between people?
Well, this is also a question I have thought about before, but my answer is also very clear. There is no way to be simple between people. Human nature is complex.
If you want to simplify it, the premise is that you have enough intimacy and tacit understanding with this person, and can tolerate each other's environment. It can be said that 99% of interpersonal communication can't do this.
Even you may not achieve with your parents and lover. Be careful and form good expression habits to make the relationship harmonious.
The so-called high EQ really needs enough inner drama, considering both the feelings of the other party and the degree of the relationship. At least you should think about what you like to hear in this situation.
Be careful when joking.
Even such a trivial matter can cause misunderstanding and embarrassment. The story continues. A later sister is a counter example.
When it was almost time to pack the watch strap, it was time to get off work. A clerk's sister from other nearby stores happened to pass by. The first sentence she entered went straight to the theme "Xiao Wang, who hit you in the face? Your daughter-in-law was domestic violence?"
Is it comfortable to hear that?
Although I know it's a joke, I still have a problem for the respondents. Saying "yes" is not in line with the real situation, and saying "no" is like covering up the facts.
The male shop assistant's EQ is really high. I think his answer is impeccable. "I have to find a daughter-in-law who practices Sanda. Will I be so miserable? -- disassemble jokes with jokes.
However, he didn't mention why he was injured. He just changed the topic and talked about going off work. His sister who came in may also feel boring and left after a few greetings.
This C-type question really didn't play a good role, and maybe it also caused disgust. The male clerk didn't have the willingness to communicate and probably didn't care about it.
I know what this sister means. She has a close relationship and doesn't want to make the topic boring, so she thinks it's very flattering to make jokes.
But in fact, this so-called "humor" and "joke" should be cautious, because it is difficult to grasp the scale. If you are not careful, the joke will become ridicule.
Relatively private topics should be said separately.
There is also a possibility that the sister is familiar with the male clerk and has a close relationship. She often jokes. It was harmless, but her sister ignored the situational factors.
Joke is the humor of two people, especially her expression involves privacy, so it is not suitable to talk about relatively private topics when there is a third party and a fourth party.
When many people gather, they are most likely to expose "low EQ", because the friendship and intimacy between each person are different and the situation is more complex. At this time, interpersonal communication should follow the principle of "downward compatibility", that is, to communicate according to the relationship standard of the least familiar two people.
For example, when I was present, my sister mentioned that the marriage relationship of the male clerk was actually cross-border. I didn't take into account that I was just a relative stranger. As a result, the male clerk was embarrassed and I was embarrassed, but if there were only two of them, it might be very natural to talk about this topic.
You see, the expression with high EQ has no invariable right and wrong, good or bad. The same sentence may not achieve the same effect. It depends on the speaker and the listener, as well as the occasion and situation.
Although it's a little complicated, you can extract some methods from some small things like me. Before next expression, think about these six points. I hope it can be helpful to you:
If you don't think carefully, you will make fewer mistakes if you speak less. Don't express it in a hurry;
Talk more about feelings and less about objective facts to give each other room for maneuver;
Consider the feelings of the other party and the degree of relationship, and avoid talking in depth;
Be careful when joking, and know whether the other party likes joking;
In the multi person scenario, follow the principle of "downward compatibility" in communication and talk more about safety topics;
Relatively private matters should be discussed separately, or the topic should be discussed after the other party takes the initiative to mention it,
Talking well is both emotional intelligence and skill. Maybe a little more "inner drama" can reduce the obstacles of communication and make your relationship more beautiful.