Why are some people afraid to trouble others? What kind of psychological condition is this? In fact, fear of bothering others is the expression of inner desire and attachment. Avoidant people should not become an island, but should really accept others and enter relationships. Everything is not as bad as what they fear. Trying to rely on someone is a wonderful experience and the first step to change. The following is a collection of reasons I collected for you. Let's have a look!
Fear of bothering others is the expression of inner desire and attachment
01
I once had a friend, but now I am no longer a friend, because I have gradually alienated myself through years of interaction.
Now I think our relationship is like some kind of "agreement":
I paid 300 yuan for his child's full moon, and then he bought me a set of books at a price of 308.
Once at a party, I took him home. After getting off the bus, he gave me 20 yuan from the window, saying it was the fare.
Another time he was hospitalized. We bought fruit to see him. The next day after discharge, he invited us to eat hot pot to express his gratitude.
Such things happened many times. Gradually, I was afraid to associate with him. I didn't contact him, and he never contacted me.
A few years ago, there was a literary and heartwarming film - "peach sister", which has been popular for a whole year.
In the play, sister Tao has served the Li family for 60 years. After falling ill, she doesn't want to bother the Li family. She refuses other people's help and gifts. She stubbornly lives in the nursing home. She would rather stay alone than waste the time of young master Roger of the Li family.
Sister Tao has worked for five generations of the Li family, old and young. Her warmth and loyalty can be seen, which really moved the audience, but her move of "insisting on no trouble" triggered a heated discussion.
Finally, although Roger, the young master of the Li family, and sister Tao are like mother and son, sister Tao's character of not bothering others, being strong, independent and stubborn is still deeply imprinted in my heart and still lingers.
There was once an issue of "wonderful flower theory" whose debate was: "is it a virtue not to trouble others?"
Su Youpeng first put forward the concept to clarify: what is "others" and what is "trouble".
Roughly defined, "others" is to distinguish "intimacy".
Intimacy often refers to family and especially good friends. For my friends and sister Tao, Roger and I are not close, but we are not others.
After all, I have been with friends for more than ten years. Roger was raised by sister Tao since childhood. We are between "others" and "intimacy".
The definition of "trouble" is very broad. I don't think it's "trouble" at least if it's done by subjective will. For example, I send my friends and sister Tao to be helped on the way.
The person who is "afraid to trouble others" today is such a person. Even if he takes the initiative to do a little thing for them, he will be rejected or "return the favor" soon. It is stressful for others to treat him well.
They basically won't ask for help, and others had better not ask him. They live in the crowd, but they seem to be independent of the crowd.
They rarely reveal their feelings. Those who are close to feelings and intimacy will always escape and only do things with you. Even if they do things, they will have a clear division of labor. AA system is their attitude towards relationships.
Just like the "38th line" on the original desk, no one can cross the minefield half a step, otherwise there will be a small punishment.
Or not so extreme, but in the overall life relationship, he will not have too much emotional color. He is alone and unwilling to approach others or others. They don't need the care and help of others.
This is actually a less obvious "avoidant personality".
02
What they avoid is attachment. They are anti dependent. Whether they rely on others or are relied on by others, it is "very troublesome" for them.
When dealing with them, you will virtually agree with their "agreement". The center of the agreement is that I do what I should do, and you should do what you should do. Our relationship is responsibility and obligation. Don't talk about feelings with me.
This is how my "friend" felt to me. When he gave me the fee, I felt that I was nothing in his eyes, not as good as a taxi driver.
If you don't owe each other, you won't have attachment. Without attachment, whether it is a lover or a friend, you can feel at ease when you are clear.
Avoidant people believe that as long as there is attachment, it is easy to rely on and hurt.
Not bothering others means "I'm afraid to rely on you", which means that they are vulnerable and powerless. They can't bear the exposure of this vulnerability and will feel ashamed.
Such people often experience such parenting in their early years:
One is the upbringing you can't count on.
The father is missing, the mother is so weak that she is unable to rely on her children, or maybe the mother has a depressive personality, sighs and frowns all day, is listless and powerless to do anything, or is ill and bedridden all year round.
When the child has any needs, the mother can't see it. Even if she sees it, she can't help. It's not that she doesn't want to help, but that she doesn't have the ability to take care of it.
Since then, the child has gradually formed the feeling that my needs are not satisfied.
Slowly become independent and hide your emotional needs for fear of being hung there. It's not only embarrassing but also humiliating.
There is also a kind of parents who are very strong and want face.
Don't allow yourself to be weak and think others can't be relied on. Whenever children are weak, they are very angry. They often teach children to be strong, independent and dangerous in society. They can only rely on themselves. This will also make children feel that their weakness is shameful.
When they grow up, they become people who don't want to trouble others, so they won't expose their vulnerability, and no one will respond after exposure, so they won't have a sense of shame.
My friend is like this. His parents are sick all year round and blame each other. When they were young, the common scene was that their parents quarreled powerlessly, left him aside, and no one cooked the meal. Most of the time, he cooked a bowl of noodles, ate it himself, and left it to his parents.
He hates being bothered and bothering others, and he doesn't want to feed anyone again. In his opinion, other people's subsidies have a purpose, which is to satisfy others by themselves.
What's more, the way parents raise their children is to make them feel indebted all the time.
No matter what, let the child know that it is for him. The child is born and raised, which is a kind of "investment" and needs to be realized.
Children have always felt that what they owe their parents should be paid double, and they can't even pay off their parents' upbringing all their life.
All parents pay is sacrifice, all love is hard work, all for themselves. This will make children feel that they exist to pay their debts.
Just like Nezha's "return the bone to his father and the flesh to his mother", he returned all his flesh to Mr. and Mrs. Li Jing, which thanked his parents for their kindness and never owed each other again.
Therefore, avoidant people are most afraid of others to help themselves and care about themselves. Their subconscious will think that this is some kind of means, and the ultimate goal is to double their repayment.
In that case, it's better to refuse and save yourself trouble in the future.
Therefore, the fear of others bothering themselves is the fear of being attached to others, and then ask for it in the name of love and care like vampire parents. It's like a nightmare. It will annihilate yourself and be extremely scared.
In fact, what they fear is not what others have done for them, but a familiar feeling, which is strongly invasive.
Rejection, independence, high and cold, and clear boundaries have become powerful weapons to protect themselves.
But at the bottom of their hearts, they yearn for warmth, intimacy and love.
But they need more time and people who understand themselves.
They all know that fear of trouble, repayment of human favor, and being too cold will affect the quality of the relationship, so they are often lonely, like an island, far away from the crowd and surrounded by the sea.
Carnegie said in "the weakness of human nature": "if you want to make friendship last long, you have to ask others to do something small for you, which will make others have a sense of existence and importance."
I agree with this sentence very much. When my friend gave me 20 yuan, I was embarrassed and felt that I was not important at all, even a little pathetic.
Those who are afraid of bothering others need to empathize with others, and the other party also needs them. Accepting others' help is a kind of generosity, and allowing others to love themselves is a kind of compassion. Having said that, it's really difficult for them to meet someone like Shi Tiandong.
So far, Su Mingyu's cold heart has been warmed by Shi Tiandong. Mingyu has an obsession: my existence is to repay the whole family. In this family, no one can rely on but myself.
This is how strong Mingyu lives. Even if she meets Shi Tiandong, she never exposes her vulnerability for a long time. Even if she wants to rely on this man, her fear lingers and she doesn't dare to open her heart easily.
All contacts are clear: Shi Tiandong cares about Mingyu and her family in the name of delivering meals and special offerings. Mingyu always uses money to buy all this, never owes, and pays for "troublesome Shi Tiandong" every time.
Su Mingdong will not be afraid to ask you a little more, but I will never be afraid of taking more trouble with him.
So far, Mingyu is willing to open her heart to attach herself to this man and frankly accept any payment and love from him.
03
When you are surrounded by evasive people, you must learn from Shi Tiandong.
Use less words and more actions.
In the eyes of avoidant people, language is suggestive. They don't trust and think it's deceptive. They will silently remember the other person's behavior of expressing concern, even if they don't care at all.
Don't be eager for success. The reason why avoidance has become a part of character can't change quickly. Avoidance itself is protection.
Therefore, if you really want to help them, you should be patient enough.
Never explore their private lives, or they will go faster and refuse more thoroughly.
Also accept their boundaries and respect them.
Just as Shi Tiandong frankly accepts Mingyu's reward, because this is her way of life.
When you walk into a person, you must first respect the person's way. Even if this way is indifferent and inhumane, you'd better not touch it before you don't know what he has experienced in his heart.
In this way, he will open himself a little bit and slowly build trust.
As an avoidant person, you should learn from Su Mingyu's father, Su Daqiang. Although you can't be unreasonable selfish and infantile dependence, at least you should understand that don't always think of others. Dependence itself is reasonable and a kind of cooperation. Don't always feel indebted to others.
As Cai Kangyong said in that issue of "strange flowers", it's not human to never trouble others. Human kindness is that you trouble others and then know how to repay them. That's human kindness.
Luo Zhenyu also said: "the essence of causing trouble to others is cooperation, which is very clear. It is also a very ingenious mechanism developed by human society."
A person who troubles others properly is not demanding and greedy, but dares to show weakness. Showing weakness does not mean incompetence, but bravely and bravely go deep into the relationship.
A person who is willing to let others trouble himself is open-minded, an open acceptance and tolerance, which is not only enthusiastic, but also a highly intellectualized performance.
The sense of boundary is the understanding after experiencing the emotional concentration and interaction, which is by no means a rational isolation.
Therefore, the avoidant should not become an island, but should really accept others and enter the relationship. Everything is not as bad as what they fear.
Trying to rely on someone is a wonderful experience and the first step to change.